Dude, this is Henry, remember us? not some usurper but the rightful God-appointed king? We're leaving this message for Hildebrand, we're not going to call you Gregory because you're not the pope, no way, just a false monk.

False monk! that's the name you deserve, bro. You've never held a job in the church that you haven't totally messed up and left everybody wondering what the fuck was going on. There are way too many examples, we don't have all day, so we'll just point out the worst--the way you treat your clergy--especially any clergy who happen to be living up here, on this side of the Alps. (Where the hell are we? Some place near Hockenheim... Reilengen?) Not only do you think you can push around any archbishop, bishop or priest who gets in your way, you scorn and abuse them, like they're stupid servants who couldn't even understand what the hell you're doing if you ever even bothered to like, tell them. You probably think that mob of losers in Rome is gonna be impressed by the disrespect, the fucking disrespect you show your own priesthood. You have said, in your own words, that the bishops know nothing and you know everything. If you're so fucking wise, here's some advice: use your wisdom to build, dude, not to destroy.

It is so fucking wrong that you took the name of St. Gregory, it just turns our stomach. We mean, you're the very asshole he had in mind when said: "The heart of the prelate is all puffed, and he thinks himself more better than anyone else."

You know why we've put up with all your shit? Because we respect the papal office. Got that? We respect the office, not you, bro. But now you've made a really big mistake, man. You think because we are all humble and respectful of the papacy that we're afraid of you? Give us a break! You think you can make an attack on the royal and imperial authority which which was given to us by God? You think you can take it away, as if you're the one who gave it to us, as if this kingdom, this fucking empire, were under your control, not God's? We got news for you: the big boss, J.C., He gave us the job of running this Empire, but He never made you the boss of the Church.

How the fuck did you get where you are? We'll tell you how: first you got rich by pulling all kinds of sneaky underhanded shit over the years. We gotta admit, Hildy, you are some player. If you were like a merchant or a trader, we'd call you a good businessman, but we got news for you bro, you're a monk! You're supposed to lay off that conniving and trickery shit. Then once you got rich, you started greasing all the princes and abbots, and pretty soon you've got armies backing you, dudes with swords chanting your name, and what do you know, suddenly, how could it happen? Moi, you want moi?, Hildy, you've been elected pope! And now you're sitting in the fucking throne of peace, from which all you fucking do is destroy the peace.

It totally sucks what you've been doing--a little arms smuggling here, a secret propaganda campaign there--don't pretend you didn't authorize it--to get the people to rise up against their bishops, their fucking rightful bishops, and you send out your henchmen to badmouth the local priests.

And fuck it, you've even had the balls to attack me. That's right, Hildy, I'm talking in the first person singular now, man to man.  This is me, bro, Henry the fucking Fourth, King of the Romans, and unworthy as I am, I'm the son of a bitch who has been anointed to rule this earthly kingdom. And like the church fathers said, no one but God himself can judge me, and there's no crime I can commit that will cause me to lose my throne except losing my faith, which is not fucking likely to happen. I may not be a monk but I know my church history, even back in the day of Julian the apostate, those holy fathers, they made the right call, which is a damn no call--they left old Julian to be judged and condemned by God. Like St. Peter said, "Fear God, honor the king." So I gotta figure you don't fear God, because you have totally disrespected me, and I'm God's guy, the fucking anointed and established one.

Do you think that St. Paul made an exception for you, when he was talking about how even an angel from heaven who taught false shit should be sent right down to fucking hell? Did he add, "Except the monk Hildebrand, who will get himself elected pope by hiring an armed mob to chant his name--he can teach whatever false bullshit he wants." No fucking way did St. Paul say that. The bottom line, dude, is--we're gonna fire your ass. We're gonna fire your ass from the apostolic seat which you took by violence. You have been damned to hell by St. Paul himself for your false teachings, and you're gonna be damned by us and by our bishops for your evil rule.

It's time to elect another pope, have someone else sit on the throne of St. Peter, someone who won't dress up violence in a pretty cloak of religion, maybe even someone who won't embarrass St. Pete, someone holy and good and all that shit. So let's make it official, man. Here goes:

I, Henry, king by the grace of God, with all my bishops, say to you: "You're fired. You're fucking fired. Go to hell where you belong and stay there forever."

I'm not kidding, dude. You're fired.